melittabenu

So, okay. Pardon me while I rant a bit.

I tend to (mostly) stay out of pagan drama, and the gods only know there is more than enough of THAT to go around. The only time I take something up is if it involved someone I know and care about getting hurt, or if it involves a larger social justice issue, like tackling rape or assault in the pagan or magickal community. Or the rights of some groups of pagans being shat on because they’re threatening to others’ ideas of what paganism should be (*cough cough HUMANISTIC PAGANS AND CHRISTOPAGANS, LEAVE THEM ALONE cough cough*). Even then, I try to take a step back and let everyone speak up for themselves because, ya know, most of the people I know are strong, intelligent adults and I consider myself fortunate to have such friends.

However, it seems like the very MINUTE one pagan drama ends, another begins, and it’s usually over something small and silly- a word misused, slang that’s stepped on toes, a sarcastic phrase taken WAY out of context. And KABOOM! Social networks, email lists and blogs come alive with indignation, someone that HAS to weigh in on the matter in some way and reassert their own opinion in their own sphere (where they are unlikely to be challenged). Accusations run wild. Panties get in a twist. Characters are dragged through the mud and it becomes a three-ring circus.

It’s as if we say to ourselves, “Some pagan is doing something wrong and it’s our DUTY to tell him how wrong he is! Someone on Facebook said this, let’s go teach him a lesson! Someone on Tumblr said that, let’s blow things out of proportion! Someone on WordPress is being a penis, let’s go show them who the bigger penis is!”

Because in the end, that’s what it comes down to: whose dick is bigger, who’s right in the matter, who is the bigger, badder pagan (or whatever you want to call yourselves, I’m saying Pagan.) It’s nothing more than a very public form of masturbation and cock measuring that makes the perpetrators, as well as pagans on a broader scale, look like fucking idiots.

That’ll teach you to question my UPG! You DICK!

And you know what? WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS. We really are.

Think about how much work we, no matter what our traditions, have to put into our practice. It doesn’t matter where we come from or what we’re doing: there is a lot of practical as well as academic work that we have to do to understand our traditions. How much internal work we’re ALWAYS doing because of spiritual seismic shifts and sea-changes, how much work we have to do dragging through our lives (or dancing through, as some of you are able to do, and bless you for that) while we deal with these changes. How lonely we can be because no one around us really gets what we’re doing…

…except other pagans. That we’ve alienated because “DER DOIN’ IT WRONGZ” or there’s something about them that makes you think they aren’t worthy of your attention. Not counting the playgans that are rife through out community, let’s forget them for a moment. I’m talking about people for whom this is a valid spiritual path. They do the research, hopefully beyond what is touted as good to find what actually *is* good. They experiment with magickal rites, herbalism and god-work in a brave but respectful manner. They may or may not be initiated into a tradition.  They are someone who has sacrificed, who has learned and could not only be a potential companion or friend, but even just someone you talk to from time to time. And you decide to threaten to curse them, hex them, you hope their gods abandon them, you insult their gods, you insult them and their families (yes, I’ve seen it), you insult everything you can just to get under their skin, or try to. Why? Because you disagree.

That’s it. You disagree. It might be a HUGE disagreement, or it might be a small one. But that’s pretty much the root of it. Something about them threatens you, threatens your ideas, and instead of letting them be and finding a common ground, you verbally sock them in the nose.

Is this what we’re doing with all we’ve learned and done? Is this what we’ve become? Are we really so petty as to hex someone, dedicate a negative blog post to someone, over a stupid argument on Facebook or wherever? Are our spiritual lives and relationships dictated by THE DAMNED INTERNET???

Credit to fyeahwiccanraven for the awesome pic!

I just wanted to say a few things, and then issue some challenges to the pagan community over all, challenges that I will take up myself (because if I didn’t, I would be a hypocrite).

1. You don’t know the person you’re harassing. You don’t know what they’ve been through. You don’t know what they’ve done, who they are or how they live their lives. You don’t know if they’re being the way they are because they’re mentally ill. Or because they’re going through some horrific grief or life-altering change.  You don’t know if they’re having a bad day, you don’t know if they’re a good person and just socially awkward or just a dick. YOU DON’T KNOW. You know an internet persona that someone is writing through. Even those of us who are as real as possible online aren’t who we are on the internet as we are IRL. You just can’t be. There’s too much that happens IRL that one misses on the internet.

2. You don’t know the person’s real magickal prowess, or their relationship to their gods, or what their spirituality is actually like.  Get over it now. You have no real way of assessing their spiritual progress or their relationship with their gods. Even those who ARE able to assess such things can’t really know it all. Do you know who does? The god in question. Are you the god in question? I am 99% sure that you are not. Magickal ability? If you have worked directly with the person or had them work for you/on you, you can probably tell if they can blow their magickal nose, but it won’t tell you their “level” of progress. Because really, there are a lot of neat things you can do that just amount to tricks in the end, but I won’t get into that. You like them, you don’t like them, whatever- any judgments you make on them are only based on your limited view of them.

We all do it. I certainly do it. I remind myself of the above all the time. There is nothing wrong with deciding you aren’t going to trust what a person says or does, or to have your own opinion on their credibility, because a part of it is self-preservation against charlatans and liars. But you know what? You still don’t know for sure. I’ve been proven wrong before. More than once, in good and bad ways.

3. Even if the person is being an asshole, you’re also the asshole blowing the whole thing up and adding your hatred to the situation. All you’re doing is adding fuel to the fire. You aren’t helping matters by taking to Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Livejournal, MySpace, WordPress, BlogSpot, whateverthefuckelse people are using nowadays, and spreading the drama around. You’re doing one of three things:

a. You are causing not just (perhaps) yourself, but others, real distress and hurt. Many of the people I know are strong enough to withstand this kind of thing, but I’ve been hurt by drama and I’ve seen others REALLY hurt by drama- particularly those who are mentally ill and online, but I’ve already gotten into that elsewhere. (The mental illness essay, part 4.)

b. If this is a genuinely good person that you’re targeting whose words were taken out of context, who made an off color joke or just had a bad day and snapped at someone, you’re causing someone else a lot of frustration and possible hurt. You are NOT making anything better. You are NOT doing anything worth while. You are NOT getting through to the person and you are NOT bringing new information or an enlightened viewpoint to the situation.

c. If this is a dick we’re talking about here, then you’re just giving them what they want: attention. Do not feed the trolls, they will get stronger, and they will thrive by making you sink to their level. Trolls live for shit-storms.

You’re also, obviously, causing a lot of rabble.

You’re also being a bully. Yes, you are.

Can’t we all just get along?

So, Pagans (or whatever you call yourselves), what few of you that are reading this, can we all make a commitment to be adults, from here on out, and treat each other like adults? Can we make the effort to get the fuck along? I mean, it would probably go a long way to unifying our community, despite its differences, if we all made the effort to just be civil to each other. We don’t have to agree. We don’t have to homogenize. We just have to be civil. I challenge you to do this and stick to it. Specifically, I challenge you to:

1. Disagree with others respectfully, or point out something unpleasant civilly. We’re all human. We’re going to be assholes to each other. It’s the adult that is able to put their feelings aside and discuss things respectfully. You disagree with something someone said…rather than launching on what a “special fucking snowflake” or “delusional piece of shit” they are, respectfully tell them you don’t agree with them, and why. There is a huge difference between “Whoa man, totally not cool. I feel like that is offensive to blah blah blah” and “You worthless piece of shit, how dare you say such things, you are evil and disgusting and I hope sometimes shoves your head into a pile of blah blah blah.” The first is acceptable and reasonable. The other is not, and is abusive.

Or, you know, just let it go.

2. Discuss things civilly. If you get into a discussion over something, BE CIVIL. You can have a heated discussion without being a jerk.

Or, again, just let it go.

3. If you can’t play nice, WALK AWAY. Simple as that. If name calling starts flying around (hopefully before), excuse yourself and ignore them. Do not give them any attention. Do not mention them anywhere, don’t give them any of your time, because if they are flinging abuse at you, then they aren’t worth your time. If things get out of hand, do what you can to stop it, but do it as an adult, for crying out loud. Report stalkers and know your cyber-bullying laws. Stand up for yourself as necessary. BUT ACT LIKE AN ADULT and not a butt-hurt teenager. Unless you are a butt-hurt teenager- there are laws that protect you from cyber-bullying.

If pagans got along, Grumpy Cat would smile.

You know what *I* would like to see? I’d like to see a network of alerts for *actual* abuses rather than people coming under fire for stupid crap. Why aren’t we banning people for being disruptive? Why aren’t we banning people for being truly dangerous? Why are we wasting our time on “I’m right! I’m right! I’m right!”? Are we really so insecure, as a group?

We, as pagans, are a community that tears itself to pieces when it should be coming together. This is a fragile time for us, because no matter how one feels about it, paganism over all (Wicca especially) is gaining legitimacy. Our wedding services are being recognized as legal, we have military and prison chaplains, our rights are being brought into question and recognized. Is this really the kind of behavior we want to present, as a group, to the rest of the religious world? Who the hell would take us seriously? I, a pagan too, don’t even take us seriously half the time, and that is a fucking shame.

What do you think, guys? Can we do this? Can we behave ourselves? Or should I stay off of pagan FB groups, mailing lists and other social media places with more than one person involved? Because I’m kind of sick of this, and I’d really rather blog about Divine Madness, or the Sirens, or other things I have been working on here and there. I think I’m not the only one sick of it and I know I’m not the only one with better things to do.

Oh, and one more thing. Just an aside.

If you’re going to go after someone like Sannion, you should probably know that most people don’t hold a candle to him in regards to devotion, clout, knowledge and service to the gods. There is a reason that he has many friends, or a “fan club” or “group of puppets” as some would like to call it. He’s an inspiration and a companion to many of us, and he’s helped more than a few in the community we all run in. He’s not perfect, but he’d be obnoxious if he was- we love him the way he is. I don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for his guidance from time to time, his constant example or his friendship (and Sannion, this is more for you than them). And while Sannion can take you all on without breaking a sweat, be mindful of the fact that you are offending and trying to hurt someone who is honestly and very much loved- by his friends, his readers and the gods, especially Dionysus.

(See there? I got my point across without calling names, pointing fingers or being a dick. Rather than tear many people down, I’d rather build up my friend. I’m sticking to my promise already.)

The same could go for other pagans or practitioners who are frequent targets of drama when they have so much to give. Miss Dirty, for one, is a practitioner who is rather awesome and gets shit from others that is wholly unnecessary. You can visit her blog here: Graveyard Dirt

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to my poesis, to my essays and to my Work. Including the devotional to Demeter that this oral surgery waylaid.

/rant.